Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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