I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
