when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
