I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize