About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
