I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
