hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
