Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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