The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We smell like vodka and hangover
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
