Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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