the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
