I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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