those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
