I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
