do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
