That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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