I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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