Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you traded sex for a burrito?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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