Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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