My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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