I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
