what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
