you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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