Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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