And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize