I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
