Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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