cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
