Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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