Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
