So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
