Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
