ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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