Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
