dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
