ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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