I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
