Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize