Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
