Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
