NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
