Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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