its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We have started to decorate penises.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
