i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize