I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
