No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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