2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
