This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize