i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
