You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
