I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
