I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
