I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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