Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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