remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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