He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize