How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
