Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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