I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
