When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
