I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
