Welp...herpes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
