Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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