so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
