Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
