I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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