I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
