It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
