the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize